pep talks

Have you ever noticed just how much more someone’s words mean when you hold them to high esteem?

It’s 3-4 years after the fact and even now, if I have a really bad day, I remember my favorite professor of all time telling my entire class during a lecture that I was awesome (and calling me brilliant over a phone call), and my day will automatically brighten.

I’ve been struggling somewhat with my credibility (or lack thereof). I do realize it’s only my second week, so I still tend to sound unsure of myself. The fact that I sound like a 12 year old probably does not help. One of our patients asked how old I was the other day and when I replied that I was 26, both she and my preceptor did a quadruple take.

I’ll just capitalize on student discounts for as long as humanly possible.

K: What?! I thought you were 18!
S: No kidding. Me too.
F: Someone actually just told me about the looking 18 thing yesterday too. I’ll be happy about this in a couple decades!

This is actually nothing new. Four years ago, I was shadowing my cousin around at the hospital, I was talking to a lady at the front desk as she was signing me in.
S: So where do you go to school?
F: I just graduated from UC Davis!
S: High school?
F: It’s a college in California.
S: High school?
F: College. :[

We have didactics almost every morning, and one case each week where we read articles and answer questions. No one is safe, so we usually compare the night before to make sure we’re not way off the mark. The questions are generally fairly straightforward and very reasonable, but last week’s was just…confusing, so Mike called me to discuss our reasoning behind each question and we later digressed onto the subject of one of the residents.

F: I hope I’m that sure of myself someday.
M: Really? I hope I’m never that sure of myself.
F: Not in the sense of thinking that I’m never wrong (because let’s face it, that’s never gonna happen). It’s just that I feel like there’s so much more I should know right now, but I don’t, and the fact that I apparently look 18 and sound like a 12 year old isn’t really helping.
M: I don’t think it’s a problem of you not sounding sure of yourself. You just talk very softly.
F: This is true. I’ve been meaning to work on that.
M: Yeah, I think that’s all. You’re smart, Farrah! You just need to speak up.
F: Well, my thought process is that if I happen to be wrong, less people will hear me. :D…

Faulty logic, I know.

M: Yeah, but then they’ll just keep asking you to speak up. And old people will hate you because they usually can’t hear you as well.
F: Lies! They love me! One of them told me I was really nice today and said that to my preceptor too, so I was especially ecstatic because hooray, positive feedback! Another one gave me a huge hug, and another made me a puppy with a string of beads!

For the record, getting to work with the patients is pretty much my favorite part of the day. This is why I went into medicine. This is what makes the last two (…and all the years before that) years worth it.

It was super sweet of him! Now everyone at the office has one! :]

M: Farrah, I know your patients love you for your personality and who you are, because you’re the shit. I was talking about if you’re presenting to preceptors and stuff though.

My preceptor told me that I was doing really well a couple days ago! :D Mayhaps I’ve just been being really hard on myself (but hey, there’s always room for improvement!)?